I have an in internal battle going on in my head between what I know is reality and what I think my weight should be.

It also may come as a surprise to many that I have this battle at all because from the outside it looks like I have it all together. Most of the time.

But more times than I would like to admit, what is going on, on the outside does not reflect
what is happening on the inside.

My weight has gradually been climbing. It’s taken over a year of a steady pace but there is no denying that I can no longer fit into my favourite jeans.

My brain says this is wrong on so many levels.

But my measurements tell me it is exactly in line with where I should be in terms of how I am training, the type of training I am doing, and what my goals are.

But still the little voice lingers.

‘That’s not the weight you once were.

That number is too high.

Work harder. Train more. Eat less.’

That’s the voice of my eating disorder. A dis-ordered thought process.

And that is not the voice of reason.

For me the voice of reason sometimes needs to be an external voice and other times I can change my internal voice and over-ride the old patterns.

But it takes concentration, energy and work.

And a reality check of looking in the mirror and seeing the muscle where there once was less muscle. And the feeling of being able to do one more rep or being stronger in a movement pattern than I was just a few weeks before.

Sometimes I take video and photos when I am training, not because I think I look great, but to remind me that although my weight might be going up, my lean muscle mass is increasing, my joints are getting stronger and my body looks and feels healthy. And that is what I am aiming for.

I am learning to ignore that dis-ordered voice.

See you in the gym

Tanya Carroll

2 responses to “Authentically Me”

  1. WilliamKi says:

    Thanks so much for the forum topic.Thanks Again. Awesome. Reash

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